Growing up, I was the daughter of a Mormon bishop for
twelve years. I went to Ricks College (a Mormon
University), held many prominent positions within the
church, and was well-known within "Mormon circles." I
tell you this because I was, for most of my young adult
life, a very "good" Mormon. I had been taught all my
life that the Mormon church was the "true Gospel" and I
had never questioned it. However, I always felt there
was something missing from my Spiritual life and
religious faith. I figured it meant that I just needed
to "dig deeper" into Mormon doctrine to find the answer,
but the deeper I dug, the more discontent I felt.
Eventually I started looking outside Mormonism to find
answers. I took three long years to conduct my research,
and read everything I could find from other religions
that they could possibly offer. While I had access to
many books and historical documentation disproving
Mormonism's basic claims, my decision to leave the
Mormon Church was not prompted by a testimonial against
Joseph Smith's character, or an explanation of the
changes that have been made to the Book of Mormon over
the years that are in glaring contrast to the original
work, or some other grudge against discrepancies in
Mormon History. My decision to leave was based in my
discovery of God's Grace; something that Mormonism had
never offered me.
While my original investigation of Mormonism as a belief
system came about as a result of some personal
experiences in the church that caused me to question
it's doctrine as a whole, my exit came about as the
result of my education in one particular principle that
was exempt from my Mormon upbringing: God's Grace. As a
Mormon, I had always been taught that God's forgiveness,
love and acceptance had to be "earned". While the
doctrine was softened with carefully chosen words, my
concept of God was that I would never be good enough to
be accepted by Him until I was "perfect". After all,
Mormons believe that they will someday be gods
themselves, and so perfection is their ultimate
expectation. According to their teachings, God was
really only willing to grant forgiveness to those who
never committed the same sin more than once. I could
hardly live up to that ideal. There was no personal
relationship with their deity; no communication with the
heavens, no proof of revelation. It was only their story
of Joseph Smith, a boy they claimed talked to God, that
offered evidence of their god's existence.
During my time as a Mormon, I exhausted myself trying to
be perfect. And I fell short in so many areas that I
ended up sinking into a long depression. You see, my
whole life I was taught that the way to be close to God
was to be perfect. To live the commandments perfectly
and feel constantly sorry for every wrong thing I was
doing. Never once did anyone tell me that the way to
develop a personal relationship with God was to accept
His Grace; to admit that I could never begin to repay
His sacrifice; to fully love Him, rest in Him, depend on
Him, give everything I had over to Him and trust in His
promise that He WILL save all who believe; and to
worship and praise Him with my mouth, body, mind, heart,
and soul. I was never told that my best effort is enough
because His love for me is more than enough.
The life-changing moment came for me when I walked into
the sanctuary of a local Pentecostal church and felt
God's presence pressing down on the entire place. As a
Mormon, I had never known the concept of worship. I had
never openly praised, sung or danced in God's glory. I
had never realized that the "confessing" Jesus as my
personal Savior did not mean to simply say "I know" or
"I believe He exists", but that it meant to give full
credit to Him. When I came to the Lord, I realized for
the first time that simply saying "I believe in Jesus"
is not enough; I was required to admit full dependence,
full honor, full glory, full praise to His name and His
personage. And that to believe with my heart did not
mean to just believe Jesus existed—it meant to believe
He is who He professed to be, and to actively and
wholeheartedly believe I was saved. For the first time I
KNEW that the work had been done my behalf, and that
Jesus' Blood had thoroughly cleansed me from all sin
through no virtue of my own. For the first time I knew
that Salvation is not a "work in progress" or something
that must be earned, and that believing Jesus does not
mean that we believe He has the power to save us if we
are good enough or obedient enough. I finally knew that
Salvation is a gift given readily to those who are truly
willing to ask for it. And it was available to me, as
long as I wanted it.
I cannot explain what I believe to the extent that I
feel it in my heart. I know the only way to really know
the nature of God, the awesome beauty of His love for
us; to even begin to comprehend His holiness, His
personality, His magnificence is to truly worship and
spend time with Him. Not just with His scriptures, not
just talking at Him in prayer, but to spend time with
HIM. As a Mormon I never had the opportunity to do that.
And when I finally did, I was blown away by the God that
met me there. He is so much more unfathomable than any
Mormon or other man-made doctrine could explain.
Reducing His capacity as the Creator of all things, the
Ultimate Power and Awesome Being that God is, to fit
into something finite or tangible only limits His
relevance and relationship with us. Limiting His power
and His role as our Maker by placing boundaries on His
capabilities according to our capacity to comprehend Him
only prevents us from coming to a point where we can put
all pride aside and come to Him in true meekness and
humility, as creatures who are nothing in comparison to
His glory and His power.
As a result of my decision to leave the church, my
family asked me to discontinue relations with them. This
was a silence that lasted for almost a year. It was a
very difficult time for me, as they had always been my
closest, dearest friends. I know they see my choice to
leave the church as a desertion of my relationship with
them. I cannot tell you how many nights I have spent
crying, praying, and hurting, but I also cannot tell you
how secure and sure I feel in my decision.
All my life I wanted an intimate relationship with God.
I wanted to KNOW Him, not just know about Him. Mormonism
was never able to give me that. The night I left home at
my parent's request, my Mom sat on the floor of my room
with me as I packed and asked, with tears in her eyes,
what it was about my "new church" that caused me to feel
justified in the pain I was causing at home. It broke my
heart to hear her say that. My answer came immediately:
The first time I really WORSHIPPED God, I suddenly knew
that was what I had been missing. That was what I'd
tried to attain my entire life. That was the feeling of
intimacy and relationship with God I had been looking
for, but never achieved. It was the level of communion
with Him I had thought I'd find in the Mormon Temple,
where I had been met with something completely
different. Looking back into the Word, I realized that
God never intended a "church" as an organized religion
to be the way to Him. The only way to the Father is
through a relationship with Jesus. God is not seeking
people who will join an institution, but rather those
who will be believers, worshippers, His children.
— Jennifer Kerr