I was born in Texas in 1971. My mother and father,
both LDS, were visiting Texas as the result of a war at
the time. My father had been drafted to fight in Vietnam
and was in Army training there. Within a year of my
birth we had returned to our true home in the Salt Lake
valley, Utah.
I was raised in Utah and did the usual Mormon things. I
was baptized at eight, conferred the Aaronic Priesthood
at twelve, made an Elder at eighteen and served a
twenty-five month mission in the Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania area.
It is easy to follow something taught to you from birth
on. It is even easier to follow something if the culture
surrounding you oozes appreciation and respect for
living it. It is all the more easy to follow something
if by rejecting it you lose all of that appreciation and
respect from those you admire most. I first began to
realize these points when I left my home to journey into
the mission field.
On my mission I lived for the first time in an area
where Mormonism did not flourish and an understanding of
it was unclear. Many of the people I met and spoke with
only knew of Mormon polygamy and thought the practice
was still observed by Mormons. This may be attributed to
afternoon talk shows with Mormon Fundamentalist guests.
Ignorance aside, my mission was the first time I learned
to understand what it means to be a minority and to be
the recipient of religious persecution. I was denied
check cashing at banks where I feel quite certain a
black coat with a starched white collar would have
guaranteed me cash. I was nearly run over crossing the
street in a crosswalk. I was yelled at, spit on, bitten
(by a drunk man) and had large dogs sent out after me.
In all, I survived but came to the realization that the
LDS Church was not respected outside of Utah the way it
is inside the state. For this reason, some may wonder
why I continue to choose to live in Utah after leaving
the faith.
Often when people discover I am no longer a Mormon, they
began to question me hoping to discover some piece of
information that will blossom into an epiphany
surrounding my decision to leave. They never seem to be
listening to what I say as much as searching for some
hidden words, some meaning between the lines as to what
went wrong with me. This is a security blanket for
members of the LDS Church. They don’t believe that
anything righteous, holy, or truthful could lead a
person out of the faith. So to protect against just such
a possibility, they place labels on people who leave.
This one was an adulterer and excommunicated. That one
was a drug addict and another one had some awful
terrible experience on his mission that corrupted his
thinking. That is the sort of thing a person begins to
listen for when I speak so they may label me and be on
there merry way, all the more faithful in their religion
after speaking to me. If the reader is in these shoes,
please consider with an open mind the rest of my story
before finally categorizing me.
I was not discouraged by my mission, but rather greatly
encouraged. I gained a zeal for searching the scriptures
and a hunger for understanding of the truths surrounding
the foundation of the Church to which I belonged. I read
the entire Standard Works all on my own for the first
time. I had never read the Bible cover to cover until my
mission. I am convinced by speaking with the many
missionaries with which I became acquainted that many
Mormons never do complete this seemingly insurmountable
chore. Many may question the wisdom of reading a book
with over a thousand pages when only believing it to be
"true as far as it is translated correctly." The reader
may be familiar with a book of less than half the size
of the Bible to be the "most correct of any book" and
that "a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its
precepts, than by any other book."
For a moment I will make some basic assumptions. These
assumptions guided me in my studies on my mission, and
continue to do so today. The first is faith in the Holy
Ghost: "But the Comforter, which is the Holy
Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall
teach you all things, and bring all things to your
remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." John
14:26 (KJV)
These are the words of Jesus Christ and I believe them.
Perhaps the Holy Ghost is the reason I believe them. For
any Mormon over the age of eight who has been confirmed
a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints, the Holy Ghost is not only a source of
affirmation to the truths taught by Jesus Christ, but
also supposed to be a constant companion — provided the
member has kept herself worthy to receive this gift.
Either way, I feel comfortable asserting that God will
guide the honest reader as she reads the Bible and
confirm its truth.
The second assumption I wish to make is taken from the
words of Jesus Christ: "And ye shall know the truth, and
the truth shall make you free." John 8:32 (KJV)
These are beautiful words. Even more powerful is the
effect they can have on the honest reader who seeks
their certainty. Truth is freedom and truth is also
eternal. My father once shared some wisdom with me when
he told me, "Its either all true or its all false,"
speaking of the LDS Church. There is no halfway with
Mormonism or with God: "So then because thou art
lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out
of my mouth." Rev 3:16 (KJV)
With the basic assumptions that the Holy Ghost would
confirm truth to me and that the truth would make me
free, I buried myself in LDS studies following my
honorable release from the mission field. I attended
Ricks College and graduated after receiving the "Student
of the Week" award for "outstanding and well balanced
dedication to academic, personal, and religious
responsibilities." I then moved on to Brigham Young
University where I further intensified my studies into
LDS history. I spent many hours on the fifth floor of
the Harold B. Lee library. A wonderful collection of LDS
history books is kept there both inside and outside of
the Special Collections room. My most dedicated study
would occur during the 1995-96 academic year. But before
I give away the results of my studies, I should say that
my luck was about to change.
In March of 1996 I became engaged to my wife, to whom I
have now been married for nearly three years. The summer
of ’96 became the most important for me as I was
searching for absolutes that would cement my life to God
in starting a family of my own. Joining me in my quest
for knowledge and understanding was a non-Mormon from
New Mexico who traveled to Provo to decide for himself
whether the LDS Church was true. My fianc? also took
interest in this challenge and together the three of us
began to read and share conversation of the foundations
of Mormondom.
By late summer I had stumbled across at least three
facts of which I had formerly been entirely ignorant.
One, that Joseph Smith waited over a decade to write his
first account of the First Vision. That this account
only mentioned one being and that the third of four
accounts was the first to mention more than one being. I
found this especially troubling because the foundation
of the LDS understanding of the Godhead is based on this
event.
Two, that the Egyptian papyrus scrolls from which Joseph
Smith translated the Book of Abraham in the Pearl of
Great Price had not been burned up in a museum as I had
been led to believe, but were rediscovered by a
University of Utah Professor in the back room of a
museum in an eastern state. These scrolls, now
translatable by Egyptologists since the Rosetta stone
cracked the Egyptian language, were examined by the
Church and led to entire families (those doing the
examining) leaving the faith as well as the sealing off
of the originals in a Church vault. Early published
articles in the Ensign promised translations to later
appear, proving the LDS Church to be true to the world.
These publications never occurred, possibly due to the
scrolls having more to do with the Egyptian Book of the
Dead and less to do with anything related to Abraham.
This troubled me even more since the only opportunity to
prove Joseph Smith’s translations accurate only showed
them to be entirely false and misleading.
Three, that the LDS Church is not the "only true and
living church upon the face of the whole earth." I
learned and realized for the first time that the LDS
Church was an organization built upon a false
foundation. This discovery was not simply the result of
the two formerly mentioned points, but the culmination
of a slew of discoveries made in my research. I would
highly recommend a few good books that I will list at
the end of this testimony – to those seeking to defend
and understand the truth.
When I knew that the Mormon Church was not true, I did
not know what to do about it. I was a senior attending
BYU. I was about to be married with both my own family
and part of my wife’s family expecting an LDS temple
marriage. I was living in a community over 92% LDS who’s
culture expected me to be Mormon. I was depressed by the
facts I could no longer doubt. I was angry at those who
fervently repeated testimonies with the five recommended
points convincing me that lies were truths. I was hurt.
When a person is at their lowest of lows, God sometimes
reaches down to lift that person miraculously from their
pit to show them something better.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalms 23:4 (KJV)
Looking back on the moment of realization, I often feel
that a part of me died that day. I had previously held
doubts and questions under breath, feeling that answers
I hoped for were somehow trivial and less important than
the general message of the LDS Church. That message
seemed to be family first, morals nearly beyond compare,
and dedication to the teachings of your faith. How could
a religion that teaches such valuable lessons be false
at the core? I have since come to an understanding that
many religions teach valuable and moral lessons to
people. I took a world religions class at BYU and
learned many good things about eastern religions.
However, the roadblock to this sort of religious
relativism, that all paths lead to the top of the same
mountain, was the point my father had made with me. If
absolute truth exists, really exists, and I believe it
does, then all religions could not be true because they
each have their own set of contrary doctrines. And no
matter how much respect I gain for other religions, none
of them teach of Jesus Christ or salvation by faith.
"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not
of yourselves: it is the gift of God." Ephesians
2:8 (KJV)
For a period of time all I could do was deal with my
anger, sadness—even depression—and try to go on. My
fiancé and I decided to be
married by a Justice of the Peace rather than in a
Temple or by a Mormon Bishop who would only counsel us
to be married in the Temple. Family seemed quiet on the
matter, but I somehow suspect they guessed we were not
worthy to be temple married. Everyone seemed to settle
for our decision.
I then continued at BYU for another year until I
realized that I needed another ecclesiastical
endorsement to continue the next year. Certain that I
would hold true to the remaining things I had, foremost
being my morals, I knew I could not lie to the Bishop. I
had not attended my Ward meetings since my discovery—it
seemed a bit pointless. I know that meeting together to
worship is not just to glorify God and learn new
doctrines, it is also to enjoy the social benefit of
making friends who share your faith. Sometimes I think
many Mormons meet almost solely due to the social
benefit (or to avoid the social repercussions of not
going).
Both Sarah and I realized we needed religion, but we
were not about to just jump on board the next church to
come along. So we spent some time in the Bible — I got a
copy of the NIV Bible because I no longer felt that old
English was any more sacred than modern English. We
tried attending a Seventh Day Adventist church, but it
seemed they were more focused on who was going to hell
for not worshipping on Saturday instead of Sunday. It
didn’t take us long to decide they were a bit too close
to Mormonism.
Finally, we met a man who has made it his mission in
life to share Christianity with reforming Mormons — Luke
Wilson. His organization’s web site as well as his in
person discussions with us (when he flew out from
Michigan) were more than enough help to finish the job.
I had always held on to the teachings of Jesus, even
when I threw the teachings of Joseph Smith to the wind
(Which are more important?). Both Sarah and I were born
again into Christianity — true monotheistic
Christianity.
Since that time, we tried for a while to have our names
removed from the LDS Church records, but decided it to
be much to big of a hassle and, for us, nothing more
than a clerical error anyhow. We still live in a very
high percentage LDS population. We still have some
family that are LDS. Fortunately, we have each other and
our relationship grows stronger all the time because of
our new faith.
Family took things rather hard at first, but have
softened to the idea that we are strong in our
conviction of Jesus and his gospel. At times, things are
difficult when LDS bullying (teaming up of LDS coworkers
to explain just why their religion is flawlessly
correct) at work takes its toll. But I just go home,
talk to my wife, and together we go on.
In closing, I would like to leave a final thought for
the reader. It’s alright to continue in the tradition of
placing a label on me and moving on. It's okay to keep a
closed mind to anything objectively written about the
LDS Church and seek out only the faith promoting, warm
fuzzy brethren sanctioned literature, even if that
requires turning to fiction like the Legacy movie
or the umteenth volume of The Work and the Glory.
Just remember that after you die it's too late to
investigate those serious questions kept buried in the
back of a curious mind. It will also be too late to heed
the admonition of Jesus: "Jesus answered and said unto
him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be
born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3
(KJV)
— Gary (Email me)
My Recommended Books for
Questioning Mormons
After Mormonism What? by Latayne C. Scott
By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus by Charles M. Larson
Studies of the Book of Mormon by B.H. Roberts
The Mormon Hierarchy — Extensions of Power by Dr. D. Michael Quinn
The Mormon Hierarchy — Origins of Power by Dr. D.
Michael
Quinn